Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
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2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.