Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
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i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
How wrong was this guy?
knights of the ikea table
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.