What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
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<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
What a website
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.