[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
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*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.