(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
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Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”