I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
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I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.