*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
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Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
WTF IS THAT!
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”