If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Oh my god
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
We need to put an American base on the sun
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!