In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Britain be like
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*