If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
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BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in