anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
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*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
It do be feeling this way.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.