The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
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Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound