“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
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things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.