I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
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Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that