Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
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what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats