[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
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I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”