I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
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me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
blocked.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.