“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
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Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Smile they said.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.