[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
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Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats