Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
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It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit