Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
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I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.