Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
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*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes