Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
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*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Eat…
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”