E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
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[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault