My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
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A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.