[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
You Might Also Like
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Me too
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I hope this email finds you in a well
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.