Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
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*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed