*serious situation*
My brain:
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“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery