Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
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My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Goat cheese is for herders.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head