hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
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If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road