I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
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[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.