My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
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Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I thought this was funny lol