It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
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There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Yes, this is exactly right
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
dads on road-trips be like