*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
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wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Wednesday
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.