Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
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Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Guy who likes music
Me :
All Day At Night
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca