9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
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Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
paddle faster i hear baby shark
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?