If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
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if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
You learn something every day
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now