what could possibly go wrong?
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Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.