I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
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A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
this will hang in the louvre one day