[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
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townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”