Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
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ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?