When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
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Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that