me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
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[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I pray every night that I never become religious…
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)