FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
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a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
meow
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Still my favorite headline of all time:
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.