There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
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8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Mornin
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?