Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
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me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.