being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
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If you love someone, let them tweet.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Every time.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Yup.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”