Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
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Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.