“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
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“I took care of your clown problem.”
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
WHY would you be happy about this?
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football