I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
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hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.